Dear Billionaire—

You likely know why I am writing you today. 

I am writing you an urgent appeal because our very very very very special interests are at stake. I refer, of course, to a certain Bernard Sanders, currently running for President. Our good colleagues at Goldman Sachs have called him a “dangerous” threat, and I agree.

I have begun to Fear the Bern, and I enjoin you all to Fear the Bern with me.

Until now we’ve let our lawyers, guns and money speak for us. But now is a time for action.

I know, Citizens United was supposed to prevent this kind of thing. But as with all savvy demagogues who know someone who knows someone who knows how to use the Internet, Mr. Sanders effectively appeals to the narrow self-interests of the vast majority of Americans. Free tuition is for pussies who had bad taste in parents. And like everything in America, healthcare is not a right, you have to earn it, like I did when daddy bought me a platinum plan.

You know this. I know this. But in spite of the transparency of these non-promises, 99% of America -- losers all of them! -- have chosen this scruffy Larry David impersonator as their champion-of-the-moment.

Voting is a quaint, pre-plutocratic vestige of an earlier time. But if the numbers continue to move in his direction, Mr. Sanders threatens all that we’ve built these last decades: The uneven playing field, the offshore tax havens, the high-profit rates of incarceration, the unending wars in the Middle East, the one-dollar-one-vote SuperPACs, the privatization of, well, everything. Even our most shining accomplishment – the eclipsing of national sovereignty in a giddy framework of capital-friendly trade agreements – is under threat. We could lose everything if this man’s ideas take hold and he wins the Presidency.

Furthermore, he has had the cheek to declare war on us. Didn’t he get the memo? Nobody wages class war anymore. Except us. On everyone else. “Not the billionaire class!” he says at the end of all his speeches, like some 21st century Cato the Elder. As if we don’t have feelings. As if you could know a man — least of all one like us — till you’ve walked a mile in his Guccis. (Corporations are people, too, you know.)

Arise, Billionaires! Sound the alarum! We can no longer afford to rule this country from behind closed limo doors. From our Park Avenue penthouses to the yachts of Marina Del Rey, put out the word: We are the .0001%! We are proud! And we are organizing to protect what is ours.

Please join me as a founding member of the Billionaires Against Bernie SuperPAC.

Yours, in ruling-class solidarity, 

Phil T. Rich,

Co-Chair, Billionaires Against Bernie; SuperPAC soon-to-be duly incorporated under the tax laws of the Cayman Islands; Treasurer, Cookie D. Books; operating in partnership with Trillionaires for Trump and Billionaires for Bloomberg.

P.S. I hope you’ve received your rose-scented protect-the-plutocracy invites (hand-embossed by children in our Bangladeshi sweatshops). If not, please kindly click the link below to find our Billionaires Against Bernie Action Kit, and let’s get busy wrecking some democracy.

That wealth ain’t going to protect itself:

P.P.S Want to stay posted with occasional updates from your fellow Billionaires Against Bernie? Just sign in here - we've already got the NSA plugin that makes this a mere dull formality, but we'd hate you think us rude: